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 Holabird AdvocateProviding all the news we see fit to print since 2002!Wednesday, April 30, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4R LaRAYNE HINKLE HOSPITALIZED E.E. Hinkle has been informed by his brother, Don, that LaRayne has taken a turn for the worse and was taken to the hospital on upon the insistance of her daughter, Shirley McGuire. It appears that LaRayne is having a bad reaction to the medication she is taking to treat her shingles. All of us at the Holabird Advocate are still hoping and praying for the best. BRINEE KENNEDY ON NATIONAL HONOR ROLL E.E. Hinkle was informed by the National Honor Roll that they have selected his grandchild, Brinee Kennedy, for induction into the National Honor Roll for outstanding achievement. Her name and biography will be published. He has the chance to purchase this book for the price of $44.95 or the deluxe edition with her name stamped in gold for 54.95. Trouble is, the girls name is Britnee, not Brinee. Also, she is not a mere grandchild, but a great-grandchild. Someone in this brilliant organization has screwed up. These people are supposed to be smart. It looks like the National Honor Society isn't the fine outfit they pretend to be. PUBLISHER'S NOTES by Jerry Hinkle Well, it's been 30 days since I said I would think about running for President of the United States. I've considered all the "Dos and Don'ts" and decided against it. Because I love this country I want to have the best possible people running it. that does not include me. Not in an official capacity. It's really a question of whether I can serve this, my country, best as President of the United States, or Publisher of the Holabird Advocate. America is best served, I believe, with me behind the Publishers desk rather than the Oval Office. I hope that I have not disappointed too many of you Readers out there. I'm sure that most of you will agree that this was the only reasonable decision. There are some people who will still want to "draft" me. I hope they forget that notion. Monday, April 28, 2003 VOL II Issue 4Q LaRAYNE HINKLE HAS SHINGLES E.E. Hinkle revieved word that his brother Don's wife, LaRayne, has shingles, the same disease that took alleged comedian, David Letterman, out of commision for a month and a half. As you can guess, she is not having an easy time of it. Don will be calling his older brother later on in the week when he knows more about LaRayne's condition. All of us here at the Holabird Advocate send her our best wishes and thoughts at this difficult time. ON THE ROAD AGAIN by Hiram Gonagan The Hinkle finally got to a computer to send us a message here at the Holabird Advocate's international Headquarters. They had delays in Minneapolis and Newark and arrived in Ireland at Shannon airport late. They then rented a Yundai 7 passenger van then got out of the airport. Larry Ehlers has been getting quite good at driving on the wrong side on the narrow roads over there.The group has been down to Blarney Castle and kissed the Blarney Stone. They also have been touring a couple of other old castles that are in ruins. The scenery over There is lovely, green with beautiful landscapes. They saw where peat is dug and found time for some shopping. Agnes is OK and feeling a little stronger than when she left home. They have plans to go to Waterford to a Crystal factory. It has rained some each day.There is a shower and then sun comes out and then it showers again. It is rather chilly too, especially in the evening! Wednesday, April 23, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4P AGNES HAHN GETS SICK AGAIN BUT STILL READY TO FLY AWAY Yesterday at this time, it looked like Agnes Hahn would miss Ireland for sure. She was having some kind of difficulty that made a trip to Hand County Hospital in Miller neccessary. Once there, it was discovered that she was anemic and low on potassium. Not to worry, drugs are available to treat this. She got back home and got ready to get on the road for the Twin Cities. Barring some unforseen event, she and the rest of the travellers should be flying over that Altantic Ocean tomorrow. It was Mary Hinkle that took Agnes to Miller yesterday, of course. E.E. Hinkle said that taking care of her mother will make Mary old before her time. The jokes on him though. Today, she will be turning 65 years old. SHE IS OLD ALREADY!!!! TOP TEN TWOFER by Buster Brock Usually our courageous, dynamic Publisher, Jerry Hinkle does the top 10 list. He has asked me to help him to decide whether he should run for President like that group of people wants him to. I have two top 10 lists each displaying the Pros and Cons of this idea. SO FROM THE HOME OFFICE IN HOLABIRD SOUTH DAKOTA HERE IS OUR TOP TEN TWOFER "Top 10 reasons for Jerry Hinkle to Run for President" 1. If he wins, even the athiests in the ACLU will start praying 2. His choice for Homeland Security Chief: Chuck Norris 3. Renting out the Lincoln Bedroom could help strenghten his 401k plan 4. Seven White House interns-seven days in the week 5. His Surgeon General: Dr Phil 6. Mr. Sumner Redstone will stop ignoring him 7. He wouldn't have to think for himself because E.E. would tell him what to do 8. Four words: Attorney General Stephanie Herseth 9. Bernie Hunhoff would put him on the cover of his "South Dakota Magazine" 10. Only Jerry Hinkle could Get America Moving Again "Top 10 reasons for Jerry Hinkle not to run for President" 1.He might lose 2. He might win 3. He doesn't have the money to run for cover, let alone President 4. He would have to leave Holabird 5. The Bush Twins would never forgive him 6. His connection to Vin Diesel could come to light 7. Nobody else could Publish the Holabird Advocate 8. Bimbo eruptions 9. The Media may discover "Her" identity 10. He couldn't get elected as Holabird's Dogcatcher if he was the only one running Tuesday, April 22, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4O ANNE HANSEN TO GET STATE AWARD It is now official that Anne Hansen of Mason City, Iowa has been chosen to receive the State ARC Citizenship Award on Saturday, May 3, in Cedar Rapids. She will also be there on Friday May 2 as well, for the the state conference. A luncheon will be served for Anne when she recieves this award. You don't have to be Claire Voyant to know how Agnes Hahn will want to celebrate her 85th birthday. All of us here at the Holabird Advocate are choked up and thrilled for Ms. Hansen and offer our heartfelt congratulations on this most deserved award. MARY HINKLE SURPRISE PARTY DISCOVERED Someone let the cat out of the bag as per Mary Hinkle's surprise party. The identity of this person or group of people is unknown at this time. Perhaps the people throwing the party could just not go through with it. Then it would be a surprise. SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE Today it was reported that severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves. According to the American Battle Monuments Commission, there are 26,255 American dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful, unspeakable behavior in the 21st century. May the United States of America never forget their sacrifice as we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France! Monday, April 21, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4N E.E. HINKLE GETS 500 CHANNELS STILL ONLY WATCHES CHANNEL 6 When Ken and Joyce Ferris came over to the Ponderosa for a visit yesterday, they brought along with them a portable "Dish 500" sattelite dish. The one they use in Arizona when they go down there in the winter time. Ken and Holabird Advocate Publisher, Jerry Hinkle installed the dish at E.E. Hinkle's house in about 30 minutes time. After seeing some of the 500 chanels provided, E.E. suggested turning it to Channel 6. Channel 6, of course, is Keloland. The same channel he's been watching for 50 years. Not everyone has rejected this 21st Century marvel. Harold Hinkle enjoyed an episode of "Sanford and Son" before turning in that evening. All of us here at the Holabird Advocate don't need Claire Voyant to tell us that George Kennnedy will be looking for "Walker, Texas Ranger" when he gets there tomorrow. JASON PEKAREK BRINGS HOLABIRD ADVOCATE ANOTHER READER The Circulation Department of the Holabird Advocate reports that someone using msn.com to look for "jason pekarek" found the Holabird Advocate's Web Page. At a previous occasion, the Circulation Department tryed to find the Holabird Advocate site using "Holabird, S.D." on Yahoo!, and found 83 sites. Most of these sites were for Bar JZ ranch up north or the Melvin ranch down south. There have even been Mentions of Nick Nemec on some of the sites, but not one of us. Not once was the Holabird Advocate mentioned on Yahoo!. There were sites to locate motel rooms, resturaunts, and flower shops, but no mention of the Holabird Advocate. "What does this all mean?" The gang at Circulation asked Their couageous, dynamic Publisher. He replied, "I guess we know why Yahoo! is going broke now". Friday, April 18, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4M DEAD CALF WALKING! MIRACLE ON THE PONDEROSA? Calving is difficult under the best of circumstances. In wet and snowy conditions it can get downright impossible. Simply put, you can't save them all. The Hinkles have lost 5 calves, providing you count the conjoined twins as 2. It was 6 until yesterday, when it was discovered that a calf found dead the day before was up and running around. Now, none of us here at the Holabird Advocate don't believe this is an Easter miracle or anything of that sort. We think the Ponderosa should employ a better Coroner to examine their "dead calves". MARY HINKLE HAS BUSY WEEK AHEAD It seems like Mary Hinkle is always on the go, but she'll be going full steam ahead next week. Starting with Easter, she has to get up early to help with the Sunrise Service, assist with breakfast, teach Sunday School, attend the regular church service, then off to her mothers house for easter dinner and all the fighting that goes with it. Monday will be a little easier. All she has to do is make something for the Germans from Russia meeting's potluck dinner (something with saurkraut, of course). Then she will have to attend the meeting, pay attention, and take notes, because she's the chapter's Secretary. Then she'll be forced by Harold to go see Doug, Noel, and the kid's for an hour or so. Tuesday, she will be getting packed for the Ireland trip she's taking with her husband and her mother. Wednesday, she'll be going to the Twin Cities to a surprise birthday party for her. Thursday will see Mary, her husband, mother, two sisters and a brother-in-law off to Ireland. What happens next, only God knows. Of course, she won't relax there either. But maybe it'll all be worth it. SOUTH DAKOTA SONGBOOK "The Man In The Middle" by Harley Campbell Three men on the mountain Up on Calvary And the Man in the middle was Jesus He died for you and me Well the man on the left was a sinnin' man Tied to the cross, he bled He could have been forgiven But he mocked the Lord instead You say you are the Son of God They nailed you to that tree Come down, come down and save us If God your Father be Well the man on the right was a sinner too But he was sorry for his sins He asked the Lord's forgiveness And Jesus said to him Fear not, fear not this earthly death Before this day is o'er You'll be with me in Paradise On Heaven's golden shore Wednesday, April 16, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4L STRONG WINDS BRINGS RAIN TO THE PONDEROSA Much to our courageous, dynamic Publisher's surprise, when Bill Janklow left South Dakota, the wind didn't go with him. The Holabird area experienced 25-40 MPH winds last night. The rain gauge at the Ponderosa measured .75 last night and through this afternoon. There was even a trace of snow in some areas, even though it was a very sultry 88 degrees last Sunday( Janklow didn't take all the hot air with him either). All for a total of about .90 for the 24 hour period. Hopefully all of this precipitation will help to make it a little greener in and around the Holabird area. AGNES HAHN DOING FINE Contrary to the rumors circulating around the area, Agnes Hahn is not having any more difficulty than normal. Recently her sister-in-law, Bernice Haiwick, died after a long illness. Instead of being upset about it, Agnes is quite relieved that Bernice's struggle is over. Also, it's been going around that she is being forced to go to Ireland with her three daughters. If this is the case, Mary Hinkle, her oldest daughter, who talks to her every day, was never aware of it. All of us here at the Holabird Advocate think that she is doing great for an almost 84 year old. In fact, we feel that she's not the frail little flower some make her out to be. SOUTH DAKOTA SONGBOOK "Swing Down Sweet Chariot" (Arranged and adapted by Elvis Presley) Why don't you swing down sweet chariot Stop and let me ride Swing down chariot Stop and let me ride Rock me lord, rock me lord Calm and easy Well I’ve got a home on the other side Why don't you swing down sweet chariot Stop and let me ride Swing down chariot Stop and let me ride Rock me lord, rock me lord Calm and easy Well I’ve got a home on the other side Well, well, well, well, well, well Ezekial went down in the middle of a field He saw an angel workin' on a chariot wheel Wasn't so particular 'bout the chariot wheel Just wanted to see how a chariot feel Why don't you swing down sweet chariot Stop and let me ride Swing down chariot Stop and let me ride Rock me lord, rock me lord Calm and easy Well I’ve got a home on the other side Well, well, well Ezekial went down and he got on board Chariot went a bumpin' on down the road Zeke wasn't so particular 'bout the bumpin' of the road Just wanted to lay down his heavy load Why don't you swing down sweet chariot Stop and let me ride Swing down chariot Stop and let me ride Rock me lord, rock me lord Calm and easy Well I’ve got a home on the other side Well I got a father in the promised land Ain't no more stoppin' till I shake his hand Rock me lord, rock me lord Calm and easy I've got a home on the other side Why don't you swing down sweet chariot Stop and let me ride Swing down chariot Stop and let me ride Rock me lord, rock me lord Calm and easy Well I’ve got a home on the other side Tuesday, April 15, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4K JERALD E. HINKLE CO. PROFIT DISAPPEARS UNFRANCHISE BUISNESS REPORTS LOSS Contrary to what was reported earlier, the Jerald E. Hinkle Company has reported a loss in 2002. In a statement made this morning, company owner and Holabird Advocate Publisher, Jerry Hinkle said, "It appears that I was wrong when I released a previous statement as to record profits. I guess I need to learn how to read a 1040 form." When asked why the business took a loss, Hinkle replied, "I overestimated the number of people who would want to improve their automotive fuel mileage in my 'Friction Free' project. I suppose gasoline is just too cheap and plentiful in this part of the country. Given all of this, it's really hard for me to believe people actually want me to run for the Presidency next year" KENNEDYS COMING ON APRIL 22 With Harold and Mary slated to leave for Ireland on April 23, George and Mavis Kennedy have apparently decided to come over and visit the day before. It's reported that Mavis needs a "Daddy fix". Upon hearing the news, Harold has heard to exclaim, "He'll fix her, all right!". Mavis Kennedy is, of course, the oldest daughter of Holabird's oldest citizen, 100 year old E.E. Hinkle. SHOULDN'T THEY CALL IT "UNMARRIED BY AMERICA" by Buster Brock, Special to the Holabird Advocate Television has sunk to new lows. A mini-series called "Married by America" ended it's run on the FOX network last night. Of course, none of the Holabird Advocate Readers watched that crap, because they're not stupid. The only reason I found out about it was because I heard all about it on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" last night. Two couples had a wedding, neither couple was married. From what I saw the people who left their partner at the alter were the smartest people on this show, even if it was "too late smart" as the saying goes. They certainly were smarter than the morons who followed this junk week after week for the entire run of this stupid show. Monday, April 14, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4J HAROLD HINKLE ELECTED VALLEY TOWNSHIP CLERK It has been made public that in a secret meeting held in March Harold Hinkle was elected Clerk of Valley Township. This meeting took place while he was in Arizona, and was therefore unable to protest the election. The good news for the citizens of Valley Township is that talk of disorganization has been postponed, at least for this year. It's been mentioned that even though Valley Township is organized, you wouldn't know it if you went to one of the meetings. JANKLOW UNHAPPY WITH MEDIA'S WAR COVERAGE In a conference call with South Dakota reporters, Rep. Bill Janklow said that often embedded broadcast reporters don't seem to know what they're talking about when it's their turn to file a report from the field. When it comes to not knowing what they are talking about, Janklow is an acknowledged expert. A week and a half ago, journalists were telling their viewers things weren't going well. He said he couldn't be more pleased with the way the war has progressed in the last three weeks."Fewer soldiers have lost their lives than the number of people killed on the nation's highways since the war began, or the number of those who died in the Rhode Island nightclub fire in February," he said. "We took the country faster than the Germans took France (in World War II)." "But more than anything else, what excites me is that they've all been wrong about where most of the hearts and minds of the Iraqis are," he said."All you have to do is look at the children," Janklow further stated, "Look at their children grab the American military people and hug them. We've done a phenomenal job" SOUTH DAKOTA SONGBOOK "Ezekiel Saw the Wheel" Chorus: Ezekiel saw the wheel Way up in the middle of the air Ezekiel saw the wheel Way up in the middle of the air The little wheel run by faith And the big wheel run by the grace of God A wheel in a wheel Way up in the middle of the air Some go to church to sing and shout Way in the middle of the air Before six months they’ve shouted out Way in the middle of the air (Chorus) Let me tell you what a hypocrite’ll do Way in the middle of the air He’ll talk about me, he’ll talk about you Way in the middle of the air (Chorus) Don’t pray for things that you don’t need Way in the middle of the air The Lord don’t like no sin and greed Way in the middle of the air (Chorus) There’s one thing sure that you can’t do Way in the middle of the air You can’t serve God and Satan too Way in the middle of the air (Chorus) One of these days about twelve o’clock Way in the middle of the air This old world’s gonna reel and rock Way in the middle of the air (Chorus) Saturday, April 12, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4I CAR WRECK AT HOLABIRD INTERSECTION It was reported that a two-car collision occured Thursday night. The names of those involved will not be released on advice from Holabird Advocate's legal council, Morley Krupt, of the law firm Ural, Krupt, Sumi, & Dye, because one of the parties are under 18. No injuries have ben reported. The matter is still under investigation. METHODIST CHURCH TO GET NEW MINISTER According to Mary Hinkle of the United Methodist Church Parish of Blunt, Harold, and Highmore, They will be getting a new minister as of June 29th. It is with regret that they will be saying "Goodbye" to Pastor Phil Lint at that time, who will go on to bigger, and hopefully better things. The new minister was born and raised in Scotland, South Dakota and now serving in a parish somewhere between the North Dakota cities of Minot And Jamestown. She has been described as fiftyish, divorced, And with two adult children. All that E.E. Hinkle wanted to know about her was, "Will I be able to hear her?". That remains to be seen, as she hasn't talked to him yet. E.E. HINKLE HAS BOOST AT "BOOST TIME" Longtime Readers will note that at 3 o'clock E.E. Hinkle always has a "Boost". Usually it consits of either generic Ensure, or pudding and a banana. Eariler this week however, Harold and Mary Hinkle found Boost on sale at Kmart in Pierre and bought two cases. He opened up the first can this afternoon. Thursday, April 10, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4H "OPT-OUT" APROVED, SOLBERG AND BALOUN ELECTED TO SCHOOL BOARD With a 50% voter turnout the Hyde County School District approved a $150,000 "opt-out" in an election Tuesday. the final vote tally was: 382 for 261 against. The school board election results were: Mike Solberg 409, Kevin Baloun 354, Jason Pekarek 290, and incumbant Julie Gutzmer 160. With two seats available this means that Mike Solberg and Kevin Baloun will be on the school board. JERALD E. HINKLE CO. REPORTS PROFITS UP 12% Holabird's largest Market America Unfranchise has reported increased profits of 12% in the year ending December 31, 2002 . Jerry Hinkle, Holabird Advocate Publisher and Owner of the Jerald E. Hinkle company declares, "We're just getting started!". "O" MAGAZINE DISCOVERED AT THE PONDEROSA On one of his cleaning jags, Harold Hinkle found two copies of "O" Magazine. After reading through the issues which were both about 300 pages long he found them to be mostly advertising and asked his son, Jerry, where they came from. Jerry declared, "Don't look at me! I didn't bring that filth in here!". While Harold's main complaint was that they were fullof advertising, Jerry said that they were probably full of something else (which is unprintable here) Wednesday, April 09, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4G SADDAM FALLS AS ALLIES TAKE BAGHDAD It was almost biblical. The mighty have fallen and the humble have been lifted. What has been refered to as the "Battle of Baghdad" ended early Wednesday evening Baghdad time. People getting out of bed in Holabird turned on the TV to see a quiet and peaceful Baghdad. Later in the day, a statue of Saddam was toppled as people started jumping up and down on it. Rioting and looting soon followed. Saddam himself is MIA, while it is reported that one of Saddam's two sons was killed in the latest bunker bombing. The other son's fate is unknown as well. E.E. HINKLE GETS HIS HEAT BACK Jon Jessen of Harvest States was able to get E.E. Hinkle's propane tank up and running. Jon even had it filled with 775 gallons of propane and lit the furnace. E.E.'s family hope that keeps him quiet for a while. It never actually got below freezing outside in the last couple of days. All things considered, he got by pretty good. Hopefully, there won't be too many more cold days. Tuesday, April 08, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4F E.E. HINKLE RUNS OUT OF GAS The propane tank at E.E. Hinkle's house has been popping off for some time now. Even painting it white only worked for a while. On Monday afternoon Jon Jessen of Harvest States came over to replace the valve. He didn't have the right parts, so he had to order the right parts. Those parts may be in on Thursday. They waited until the tank was empty to do this replacement (apparently Jon doesn't like to live dangerously). As luck would have it, the April nights are getting slightly chilly. Of course, he has electric heat in the bedroom and the living room. The only place heat is a problem is the kitchen. His oven is electric, so cooking breakfast is not a problem. The kitchen was a very chilly 60 degrees this morning. ELECTION DAY BRINGS HINKLES TO TOWN Today is Election day for the school board in Hyde county. On the ballot is a property tax "opt-out" and two seats on the school board. Those vying for the seats are former Holabird resident Mike Solberg, Jason Pekarek, Kevin Baloun and the incumbany, Julie Gutzmer, all of Highmore. Harold Hinkle drove Mary, Jerry, and E.E. Hinkle to the polling place at the east wing of the Auditorium in Highmore. After voting, they went to the bank, grocery store, the post office, the Courthouse, and then to Agnes Hahn's house. All the exitement wore E.E. out so much he went to bed at 8:30 tonight. The Holabird Advocate will have the election results for all those interested (and those not interested too) at a future date. Saturday, April 05, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4E ALLIES TAKE BAGHDAD CITY CENTER It has been reported that the Allied Fighting Force has made there way to the City Center of Baghdad. The Iraqi Information Minister deny this and claim that the Iraqi Republican Guard have taken back the airport. Since American media are still broadcasting from there, all of us here at the Holabird Advocate don't believe those claims. We are still concerned for the Fighting Forces safety however. The "awful horror" spoke of hasn't happened yet. Let's hope it never does. THE "I CAN'T" FUNERAL SERVICE by Jerry Hinkle One of the most interesting concepts I've ever seen is the "I Can't" funeral. It goes like this. A group of people, in my case it was Market America Distributors, get together. They each write down on little note cards things that "I Can't" do and they are put in a little box of some sort and entombed,or "buried " (figuratively, of course), and then something of the following is said: "The 'I Can't' Eulogy" by James Ridinger Market America, Inc. President & CEO "Today, we gather together to honor the memory of I Can't. While he was with us on Earth, he touched the lives of everyone--some more than others. His name, unfortunately, has been spoken in every public building, schools, city halls, State capitols, and yes, even our White House. He has frequently visited most every home in America. Today, we have provided I Can't a final resting place. He is survived by his brothers and sisters: I Can, I Will and I Am Going To Right Away. They are not as well known as their famous relatives and are not as strong and powerful yet. Perhaps, someday, with your help they will make an even bigger mark on the world. May I Can't rest in peace, and may everyone present pick up their lives and move forward in his absence. Amen!" It is at this monent that "I can" is born. Naturally, it's just not that easy some of us who bury "I Can't" go back and dig him up again. It's not easy to leave him behind after you bury him. One of the things I admire most about my cousin, Anne Hansen is her positive attitude. She is always setting up some situation that seem impossible. There are some things she can't do, but she keeps trying. I'm sure there are times when she says "I Can't", but sooner or later she'll do something else that just blows us all away and we wonder just how she did it. The answer, I'm sure is: She buried "I Can't" POETRY CORNER "The Man Who Thinks He Can" If you think ypou are beaten, you are. If you think you dare not, you don't. If you'd like to win, but think you can't. It's almost a cinch you won't If you think you'll lose, you've lost. For out in the world we find Success begins with a fellows will, It's all in the state of mind. If you think you're outclassed, you are. You've got to think high to rise You've got to be sure of yourself before You'll ever win that prize. Life's battles don't always go To the strongest or fastest man But, sooner or later, the man who wins Is the one who thinks he can. Friday, April 04, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4D WHERE IS SADDAM? Gulf War II ended it's second week with people around the world wondering, "Where on Earth is Saddam Hussein?". Earlier this week, an Iraq Information Minister read a statement "from Saddam" on Iraqi TV. Earlier today a man looking like Saddam walked the streets of Baghdad, drawing a crowd. Other than that Gulf War II is going quite well. Private Jessica Lynch was rescued from her captors in a raid on a makeshift Iraqi hospital. Also, The Allies managed to take the Baghdad International Airport and found several chemical and biological weapons(did you hear that, Sean Penn?). AGNES HAHN'S PASSPORT DELIVERED It was reported this morning that travelling out of the country couldn't be safer. Agnes Hahn is ready to do just that. Her passport is ready. No word on if the rush job costs extra or not. The forms were filled out just last Monday. It usually takes five days instead of five weeks. CADE HINKLE WINS BEAUTIFUL BABY CONTEST Proud Grandparents Harold and Mary Hinkle announced that their grandson Cade won A "Most Beautiful Baby at Walmart" contest. Cade's uncle, Holabird Advocate Publisher Jerry Hinkle, is wondering if Cade was the only baby at Walmart that day. Perhaps that's where all the ugly kids gather. A HUMBLE REQUEST by Jerry Hinkle I'm going to step outside of my "courageous, dynamic Publisher" personna to ask you, the Readers, to join me in prayer tonight and every night at 8pm Holabird time until the End of Gulf War II. As a Christian and as an American I am quite concerned about what may be ahead for our Allied Fighting Forces. Word has come that "something" will happen to our Allied forces "when they least expect it". This "awful horror" may never take place. Perhaps it already has. In case it does happen I pray that God will use the evil that is planned to his glory. At least consider it. Thank you in advance either way. Thursday, April 03, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4C KINDERGARTEN HAS LICE INSPECTION The Highmore Elementary School checked all of their kindergarten kids for lice after discovering that one of the kids indeed had lice. Brittany Hinkle came home to tell her parents, " A lady looked for bugs in my hair." Brit's father, Darrel asked, "Did they find any?". "NO!" Brit replied, Darrel then asked, "Just cooties, huh?" THE LOST IS FOUND Jerry Hinkle has been mourning the loss of the now infamous lost Sully Buttes pizza cutter since he first discovered it was missing in August. This afternoon, while making pudding for his grandfather, E.E. Hinkle, he openned one of the kitchen drawers to get a spatula and there it was. April is really turning out to be his month. First, Jennifer Garner separates from her husband. Now, he finds his pizza cutter. Just remember, Jerry, the words of Frank Sinatra, "Flyin' high in April, Shot down in May". SANDY SOULEK KEEPS BUSY E.E. Hinkle got word from his granddaughter Sandy Soulek that in addition to her regular job she will be working as a P.A. in a family practice. She will be taking care of a wide variety of people ranging from new mothers to elderly people, almost cradle to grave. She claims that she still has time to be lazy. Sandy and her family live in the Pascoe-Kennewick area, not too far from where E.E.'s cousin, Vera (Hosbrook) Brieder lives. MID-LIFE CRISIS IS A CROCK. ISN'T IT? by Jerry Hinkle, of the Holabird Advocate Whenever someone would watch the "Rosie O' Donnell Show" my Grandad would always throw a fit. He didn't dig Rosie, I guess. He always said "I wish they'd get her off the TV and put something decent on. Well, late last year, Rosie's out-Dr Phil is in. He actually enjoys Dr. Phil. No complaints from him yet. Not long ago he asked me what a "mid-life crisis" was. It took me 12-15 seconds to reply "I don't know, I'm not 60 yet". Later that night the news was talking about Vern Halter. Now everyone in South Dakota knows who Vern is, but for those out of state, let me explain. Vern Halter was a banker from Vermillion or Flandreau, I'm not sure just where he calls home. He was making tons and tons of money. He wasn't happy though. Hard to imagine, but he wasn't happy. Vern quit his banker job to go to Alaska and race sled dogs. The bank he worked for sponsors his race team to this day. He races in the Iditarod every year. That's a race from Anchorage to Nome Alaska. He never finishes first, but he finishes. Whenever he's shown on TV, he sure looks happy. We could learn a lot from Vern. Now, not everybody can follow their dream like he did. Not everybody can live their dream like he does. Or can they? POETRY CORNER "April Showers" April showers bring May flowers Mayflowers bring Pilgrims Wednesday, April 02, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4B AGNES HAHN GETS READY TO LEAVE THE COUNRTY Mary Hinkle took her mother to Pierre on Monday to put a rush job on her passport so that she will be able to be part of the fun in Ireland. They had the passport photo taken at Picture This, a photography studio in Pierre. The paperwork was completed at the Federal Building. ANNE HANSEN TO RECIEVE CITIZENSHIP AWARD Word has been sent that Anne Hansen of Mason City Iowa will recieve the citizenship award from her local ARC chapter. She has a chance to win the State ARC award in Cedar Rapids, Iowa next month. Anne is the Grandaughter of former Holabird resident, Agnes Hahn. Anne's whole family is exited and cautiously optomistic about her chances. Anne herself is no doubt singing "God Bless the U.S.A." a little louder these days (is that possible?). All of us here at the Holabird Advocate offer our hardiest congratutations and wishes of good luck in Cedar Rapids. HINKLES HAVE CONJOINED TWINS It appears that for right now that the only twins around Darrel Hinkles place are the conjoined twin heifers that were stillborn last night. Several pictures were taken today. If you hurry, you can get over there and see them for yourself. Jerry Hinkle, Darrel's brother, saw them when he assisted in pulling the calves last night. "Your courageous, dynamic Publisher just about lost his courageous, dynamic lunch last night.", Jerry said to the office staff today. "Of course, if I hadn't seen it, I'd have never believed it." SUZANNE NEMEC BRIDAL SHOWER SET FOR APRIL 6 A bridal shower is being held in honor of Suzanne Nemec, Bride to be of Derek McCloud, on Sunday, April 6 at 7pm at St. Theresa Hall in Highmore. This Shower is open to all relatives and friends. If you are unable to attend, just send her a toaster. Tuesday, April 01, 2003 VOL. II Issue 4A A "DRAFT HINKLE FOR PRESIDENT" MOVEMENT HAS STARTED Treg Cowan, a Hyde County Area Rancher, has tried to recruit Holabird Advocate Publisher, Jerry Hinkle as a possible candidate for the office of President of the United States. "When I see our choices of whose running, I know that Jerry should be in there.", Cowan said. He's certainly better quality than those clowns." Qualifying as a Presidential candidate would in fact be easy for Jerry Hinkle. Constitutionally a candidate must be 35 years old, born in the U.S.A., and a resident of the U.S. for 14 years. Financially however, Jerry comes up short. In fact, it's been reported that Jerry has recently had a hard time coming up with $15 for the Democrats recently. Cowan says this won't be a problem. he will get it covered Jerry will be taking the matter under consideration for 30 days, while Treg will take that time to raise a campaign war chest for this movement. Should he decide to run it will be as a Democrat. Otherwise his grandfather, E.E. Hinkle will raise a heck of a ruckus. KRISTI HINKLE PREGNANT WITH TWINS Once again Kristi Hinkle finds herself pregnant. This time the doctor says it's twin boys. Kristi was infertile until Joyce Ferris gave her some Market America products to try out, and they worked. Kristi called her brother-in-law, Market America distributor Jerry Hinkle and said, Do you have something that will bring back my infertility!!!". APRIL FOOLS DAY JOKES ABOUND April Fools day started off with a joke from Blogger this morning. No publishing available. None of us here at the Holabird Advocate are laughing. However, now that we can publish, we have a joke up our sleeve. One and only one of the stories printed here today is not real. Can you guess which one? Have fun trying to find it out. 
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