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Holabird Advocate

Providing all the news we see fit to print since 2002!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Virginia Shooting Holds Nation Hostage
An apparently disgruntled student at Virgina Tech University shot and killed 33 people, including himself, and injured a few others. We will not mention his name, as it is unworthy of honor on our Front Page. The reason for this shooting is unknown at this time. It will likely remain so. Some theorize that the shooter was depressed because he was being medicated for such a condition. The medication didn't do the trick. All of us here at the Holabird Advocate have a sure fire cure for depression. It is easy to remember, and goes as follows: "Put down the gun and watch 'Sanford and Son'".
At least this story gets us off the subject of Don Imus. If only he had said those ladies looked like "Republican politicians" instead of what he did call them. At least they forgave him. Who knows, they may help him with his charitable work.
Nemec Fit to Graduate
The home office received a graduation announcement from Ms. Erin Nemec. Her graduation photo was tastefully done, without the usual tattoos and belly button rings that we've come to expect with Generation Why. She didn't pose with her baby either (she doesn't have one, which could be the reason). all kidding aside we are proud that Erin is getting ready to escape the hallowed halls of Highmore High School to put what she has learned to the test in the outside world. It wouldn't surprise us if she made Valedictorian, given that her Senior Spotlight profile tells us that her favorite sports team is the Holabird Hollyhocks. Quite an astute mind she has. Erin is bound to go far. All of us here at the Holabird Advocate hope that she will come back from time to time.
North of 40: Pressing issues
by Red Green
"A dog is man's best friend,
because it never smiles at the wrong time"
My wife has an irritating habit. Ordinarily I'd be hesitant to say anything, but I've hidden her glasses, so she'll never read this. These days, she wears glasses for the odd time when she wants to actually see something. She even has bifocals, which as far as I can tell, are the optician's way of turning a flight of stairs into an adventure. When she doesn't have her glasses handy, that still will not deter her. She will pick up a cell phone, a TV remote or step up to a microwave oven and, even though she can't make out any of the words or numbers, she'll just start pressing buttons randomly until something happens. That's why there are bits of pork chop welded to the inside walls of the microwave, and why my cell phone plays God Save the Queen every time I get a call, and why our TV has French subtitles on every program. I don't get mad. I just smile and quietly give thanks that she doesn't work at NASA.

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