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 Holabird AdvocateProviding all the news we see fit to print since 2002!Thursday, January 01, 2004 VOL. III Issue 1A NEW YEAR CELEBRATIONS RING IN 2004 Many people all around the world celebrated the end of 2003, and the start of 2004 in many different ways in many different places. At the Ponderosa, E.E. Hinkle turned in at about 7-7:30pm. last night. George and Mavis Kennedy saw the new year in with Harold, Mary and Jerry Hinkle at the Ponderosa, however. They ate popcorn and crackers with Harold's secret recipe for lunchmeat. Several different wines were sampled by the group, including a combonation rhubarb/rasperry wine, a red wine, and sparkling grape juice that was five years old. Darrel and Kristi Hinkle took their kids to Mike and Karla Aasby's house. The Aasby's served champaine at midnight to the adults, but the kids were served sparkling apple cider. Jake and Verna Louise Bisbee went to the Dogpatch Dew Drop Inn for the holiday. Shortly after Jake arrived, it was discovered he had a hat with mistle-toe attached to the top. The Widdow Phelps noticed he keep hanging around the young girls, never once getting next to his wife, and asked him why. Jake said, "Well, when a man find his self wandering in a peach orchard he don't go 'round a lookin' fer rutabegas" As for his wife, Verna Louise drank tequila and monopolized the karaoke machine. Jake claimed to have not been drinking anything stronger than buttermilk(90 proof buttermilk if we know ol' Jake) and after 4 hours of listening to his wife sing that "Jose Cuervo" song, decided it was time to go home. Charlie Crenshaw, owner of the Dew Drop, and the County Sheriff, decided to let 14 year olds into the party, saying, "If yer ol' enuff ta git married, yer old enuff ta drink, so long as it's turnip wine". Granny Crenshaw's Turnip wine is the beverage of choice for most of the folks in the Dogpatch area. Jake Bisbee claims that it even improves the taste of buttermilk. After the Dew Drop closed at 2am. Sheriff Crenshaw took Jake and Verna Louise, and a few other folks, home in his cruiser. Any other night, they'd have been on their own. All of us at the Holabird Advocate congratulate all of you Readers for making it this far into 2004, and hope to see you through to the end of this year. WAKE UP AMERICA Ya know what make's Sick? Ya know what makes me so angry that I jest wanna give Baby New Year a wedgie? It's all this "Don't drink and drive" crap. They say "Don't drink and drive", But ya know, our new minivan has drinkholders in it. My hand on the book, it does. Right there by the drivers seat there's one. They say, "Don't drink and drive", but all the bars have parkin' lots. They say, "Don't drink and drive", but at the liquor store, the first thing they want is my drivers license. WAKE UP AMERICA!!! Oh yeah, and don't drink and drive!
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