Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

In this case, it's a snow shower. The Harold Hinkle Telephone Pole Scale (patent pending) of visibility measurement in a blizzard does not seem to apply in downtown Mitchell. There aren't enough telephone poles to measure with, first off. And secondly, the buildings seem to keep the snow from getting to wild around the home office. We have heard reports from various sources claiming anywhere from 6-12 inches of snow. One report claimed the snow reached a certain part of the anatomy of the reporter. Don't ask, we won't tell. Besides, all of us here at the Holabird Advocate think he was sitting around outside at the time anyway.

You just got home and found a new dent in your car. A dent your wife put there. You're about to go right off the deep end. But be careful. A lot of guys have drowned underestimating just how deep the deep end is.
I know you've never put a dent in the car. Other people have. Like, when that idiot tore the door off when you left it open to go into the store to buy milk. Or when you got rear-ended because some goof didn't notice that you stopped on the highway to pick up what you thought was a dime. Or when the engine seized because none of your friends reminded you to check the oil.
You know your wife's not so careful with the car as you are. But you don't need to get bent out of shape about a little dent and cause a head-on collision.
Don't be the one trapped in your vehicle. Your mouth may be big, but it's not the jaws of life. Just smile and say, "That's OK, Honey." I know you still love your car. Just not enough to sleep in it.

One hurtle down, and a few more to go. Agnes Hahn has given her blessing for Jerry Hinkle to audition for the role of the Governor in "The Best little _____house in Texas". In fact, she is hoping he gets the part so she can come on down to M town and see the show. She does know that Burt Reynolds isn't playing the sheriff, doesn't she? Since the production isn't until August, Jerry just might not tell Dr. Blumer, Prof. Miller, and the rest. If this show is anything like the movie, there will be a fair bit of singing and dancing in this role. But if Charles Durning can do it, Jerry can pick it up. The worst anybody can do is turn him down.

I want to talk to all the middle-aged guys out celebrating New Year's this year.
This may seem premature, but don't be fooled. It's never too soon to start thinking about the traditional midnight New Year's kiss. You don't want to screw it up again this year.
You only have to remember one thing - kiss your wife first. Excuses don't work.

Like "I thought I was kissing you," or

"I tried to, but someone Else's lips got in the way,"

or worse still,

"Come on, honey, it's New Year's. I'm supposed to have fun."
Now, in order to kiss your wife at midnight, you have to be able to find her. That means you need to stay relatively sober throughout the evening.
If you're too inebriated to see, you can't recognize your wife. Braille is not an option. And after you do find her, and you're kissing her like she's your own personal Beauty Queen, don't be simultaneously making eye contact with Miss Congeniality. A split focus at that crucial moment can lead to other splits - a split lip, a splitting headache, or even a splitting wife.
Don't use New Year's as an excuse to reconnect with ex-girlfriends. Should old acquaintance be forgot? Absolutely. Especially if she's attractive, and she's at the party, and she's carrying around pictures of a 12-year-old boy who looks exactly like you.

Yes, we know, It's been a while since we've put out an edition of our little Newsblog. After performing in "The Diary of Anne Frank" seven times, there was a kind of burnout factor. Jerry Hinkle was glad to get back to reality, and work. He had a shift at Pizza Hut shortly after the closing matinee. He also had a bit of homework to catch up on.

Several of Jerry's friends, relatives, professors and classmates saw the play. It is pretty much universal that "Anne Frank" was the most moving drama that DWU has ever been involved in. Some have told Jerry that he stole the show, but he bristles at the thought. There can be no doubt that each member of the cast contributed something special to the production, except for the #!&^ cat, of course.

So what's next for Jerry? He has three more weeks at DWU, summer school if he ever gets registered, and an offer to audition for the part of the Governor in "The Best Little @^($#house in Texas". As you can tell, our Publisher has trouble with the title. He's also nervous about telling his Grandma, Dr. Blumer, Professor Miller, the Vetters, and the people at both of his churches.

There, but for the grace of God, go I" Take a moment to do this please. A favor to ask, it only takes a minute.... The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'donating a mammogram' for free (pink window in the middle).
This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know:
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

Our Publisher has checked the site out, and everything looks like it's on the level. The site was brought to his attention by his aunt, Roxie Goehring, who recently lost her mother, Dee Myers, to Breast Cancer. All of us here at the Holabird Advocate recommend that everyone who has or has had a mother should click at least once.

There comes a time in the lives of most men when you realize you've treated your cars better than you've treated your own body. You've even treated rental cars better than your own body. But it's not a rental car.
You can't ditch it in the woods and then report it stolen. Are you one of these guys? Is it possible that you haven't kept yourself in showroom condition? There's an easy way to find out. Stand in front of the bathroom mirror. Don't actually look directly into the mirror; you're not ready for that shock yet. What you do is open up your medicine cabinet and look inside. Remember how when you were young, there'd be some toothpaste and maybe some mouthwash in it? What's in there now?
Antihistamines, anti-inflammatories, antidiarrheals, antidepressants (in case the antidiarrheals don't work). Your medicine cabinet used to be practically empty, now you've had to build on. Anti-fungals, unguents, ointments, poultices, patches, plasters, salves -- all these bottles and tubes spill out onto your sink counter, the top of the toilet tank, every horizontal surface in your bathroom. Decongestants, muscle rubs, eye drops, wart remover, hair restorer, nasal sprays, denture cleaner, antacids. If this sounds like your bathroom, it's time to take stock of your health. And time to buy stock in a drug company.

Tomorrow there will be a matinee and an evening performance. Jerry will have to get up early to get to the morning "Jesus" class to make up the one he'll miss in the afternoon. Brandon and Vicki Vetter will be at the Pepsi Cola Theater on Opening Night. That's reason enough to make it special, but you never know who else is going to show. Of course the three Goehring Girls are scheduled to bring their husbands, their mother, and one may even bring her daughter on Friday night. That will be another special occasion. Reverend Boyd Blumer and his wife will be in attendance on Saturday night. Of course you never know when those cute blonds will show up. Jerry will always have to give 100%. To do less would not be the Hinkle way!

When Jerry Hinkle went to the Easter dinner at the Vetter house last Sunday, he was the only one to show up. That may have been a point in his favor. When it was discovered that Jerry would be in Kornfield County over the Summer, he was offered the chance to house sit for Brandon and Vicki Vetter while Brandon is in Africa on the DWU Mission Trip and Vicki is seeing in Kentucky and Bismarck, North Dakota. The job also entails looking after Jack. They have three qualifications for this job. The person must love dogs, which Jerry does. He or she must get along with Jack, and Jack took to Jerry right off. the third is that whomever gets selected has to stay at the house for two weeks. That won't be a problem either. It's been a while since Jerry walked a dog, and he's never walked a half husky half German Shepard before. Still, not every lesson in life is in a classroom.

In every job there are little extras that make the position more desirable. For some it's a signing bonus, for others it's a title. Here are some job perks that would appeal to the average middle-aged guy:
Coffee on an I.V. drip.
Office near the men's room.
Voice-activated computer so you don't have to reach around your stomach to access the keyboard.
Large font inter-office memos.
Phone set up for outgoing calls only.
No office parties. Ever.
The boss is older than you.

Happy Holidays!
We have all kinds of Holiday here. It's the first day of Spring, the second day of Passover, and since tonight is the first full moon of Spring, Easter is just two days away. That makes today Good Friday. That means you've got to get your potatoes planted.
Spring is here at last. Squirrels are out of hibernation and scurrying along the sidewalks. That's a sure sign of spring. Of course, Kornfield County has a 30% chance of snow today and tomorrow, so don't put the winter garb in the attic just yet.
Anne Frank a "No Show" in Huron.
There were plans to take "The Diary of Anne Frank" on the road, but no suitable venue can be found. If you want to see this production, it looks like the Pepsi Cola Theatre is not only your best bet, it's your only bet.

During intermission last night, director Dan Miller told Jerry Hinkle that his acting was getting better all the time. Then after intermission Jerry messed up on his second line. He still got back on the old horse and rode it on through.

Jerry Hinkle felt honored when Dick Solmonson from the Methodist church started calling him "Brother". He'd be Jerry's older brother on top of that. As it turns out, Jerry discovered the reason for that is he couldn't remember Jerry's first name. Cheer up, Bub! At least he didn't call you "Sister"!

There is good news. Brandon and Vicki Vetter are expecting their first child in October. All of us here at the Holabird Advocate feel sure that they will make excellent parents. They've done wonders parenting our Publisher. He now knows to take his shoes off at the door, to sit at the table at meal time during Koinonia, and more importantly, not to overstay his welcome. As a matter of fact, Jerry has been invited to the Easter Seder at the Vetter home this Sunday. Since this is the first time in over a month he hasn't had to work at the Hut on a Sunday, he decided to take them up on it.

Spring Break was over a couple weeks ago. Now Easter break looms ahead. Holabird Advocate Publisher, Jerry Hinkle, had to hit the ground running to keep up with the kids in Ethics and Public Policy. The classroom portion of that class is over as of last Saturday, Now Jerry has to do a book review. The book he's reviewing is on the way. He has until the end of April to do it, but that will be here before you know it.

I was in a department store the other day, and I had a very unsettling feeling. Although the store carried thousands of different items in a variety of styles and colors, I had this sense that there was nothing here that I really needed. Not one thing in the store that was going to make enough of a difference in my life to make it worth the purchase. I was turning into a marketer's worst nightmare -- the reluctant consumer. I always read about how advertisers want the younger market. They're not interested in advertising to guys like me. I'm beginning to understand why. We've run out of money, interest and storage space. And we've lost the naive optimism that got us to buy things like hot tubs and expensive sunglasses. We see ourselves as we really are, and it makes us very difficult to manipulate. The only sales tool they have left is sex and the clock is ticking, believe me.