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Holabird Advocate

Providing all the news we see fit to print since 2002!

Friday, December 15, 2006
VOL. V Issue 12K
The Festival of Lights
by Albert Mohler
Host of The Albert Mohler Program.
The celebration of Hanukkah--also known as the "Festival of Lights"--begins at midnight on December 15 this year. But, to many who are not Jewish, the celebration is often something of a mystery. What is Hanukkah all about? The celebration commemorates the Jewish re-dedication of the temple in Jerusalem after its desecration by Antiochus IV--ruler of an enemy power.About 200 BC, the Jews regained the temple and rededicated it to God. The problem was oil--there was only enough oil to light the temple flame for one day. But, as Hanukkah celebrates, the oil miraculously lasted for eight days, allowing the Jews to obtain the oil they needed to keep the flame burning.The Menorah--the seven-branched light of Jewish tradition--is closely associated with Hanukkah and its eight days of celebration. The festival and the lights commemorate the survival of the Jewish people. Remember this as you wish your Jewish friends and neighbors Happy Hanukkah
Happy Duane M. Johnson Day!
Besides the first day of Hanukkah, today is, by order of South Dakota Governor Marian Michael Rounds, Duane M. Johnson Day. The reason for this special day is because after almost 36 years of faithful service to Hyde County as Register of Deeds, Duane, who turned 80 this year, has retired from that lofty position, to let someone younger have a shot at the job. Duane was also presented with a box made out of the same material as the flooring in his office.
Our courageous, dynamic Publisher was one of several people selected to sing his praises. Despite having a dry throat, and a persistent cough, he did a mediocre job of it. At least his piano player, Pat Bonnichsen made up for it with her superior musicianship.
Duane plans to spend the bulk of his retirement with his wife, Kitty. It should be pointed out that Duane is the same age as Hugh Hefner, a man who has been married twice, divorced the same, and is now living in sin with 7 girlfriends. the reason of course, is Duane got to Kitty first.
Congratulations Duane!
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men
Author Unknown (but definitely male)
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of apiece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

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