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Holabird Advocate

Providing all the news we see fit to print since 2002!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006
VOL. V Issue 10P
Ponderosa Gets Spooked Early
If it had happened on any other day except today, the Hinkles would not have given it another thought. Today being Halloween, however, changes things slightly. For some other worldly reason the television in Jerry Hinkle's bedroom turned itself on this morning. How do we know? There was nobody in the room at the time, at least nobody in a physical sense. Not only that, the television could not be shut off. It didn't shut off until Jerry went into the room and unplugged it. He is leaving it unplugged for the time being. If it turns on again, he'll have a Come to Jesus meeting with the TV set.
Publisher Takes Taxi
Harold Hinkle still doesn't trust Jerry Hinkle's driving. He doesn't really trust anyone behind the wheel, truth be told. But when Harold wasn't looking he took the new Come to Jesus Taxi cab on a little drive and found out that the odometer doesn't work all the time. Jerry drove himself to Highmore, and according to the meter, he drove 4 miles down and 3 miles up. Trouble is Highmore is 22 miles away from the Ponderosa.
On the good side, the engine heater works, the climate control is in order, the speedometer works. All Jerry needs is the bumper sticker that reads "What the ^#@*, it runs"
Brocks to Visit Ponderosa this Evening
Kenny and Zada Brock will be up to the Ponderosa in the afternoon sometime for evening vittles. The will be bringing one of their daughters, though we're not to sure which one. Jerry Hinkle is hoping it's the daughter that watches "Days Of Our Lives" so they don't talk just about race horses and all that jazz.
Submitted by Mary Jo Nemec
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

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